The bump

The weeks are still going very slowly, with anticipation I am awaiting a moment when I feel properly pregnant. This means feeling the baby move and a proper stomach that does not look like I have just been over eating over Christmas.
I am lucky to say I have not had any morning sickness, no lines have appeared across my belly , the breast are no longer sore and to be honest besides the appearance of more stretchy pants in the wardrobe, that I care to admit, I feel the same.
I am not sure what I was expecting, and I should probably feel blessed, but I just thought I would feel more.
What is more strange to my friends around me is that I am not gushing about the pregnancy, quite the opposite I find conversations that center too much around the mini human a bit uncomfortable. As most of my friends back home are now on babies number 2, i have experienced the constant baby talk and felt then as I do now that a baby should be a part of you but not the only thing that defines you, your time or your conversations. Am I cold because of this ? Somehow disconnected? Is it unnatural that I feel this way now that I am expecting? I do love this mini human inside me and I can’t wait for his/her arrival but I am terrified of it defining me from now on.

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Dreaming of a baby belly.

At 10 weeks I still just look like i have eaten too much Mexican and not like there is a mini human hiding inside me. So I am a little surprised that in my dreams I am almost always now pregnant with a big belly that I seem to be stroking. The dreams are still random and nothing to do with the pregnancy I just happen to have a big belly. I wonder if this is common?

Baby Insomnia….

I wonder if there is such a thing as insomnia caused by pregnancy. My friends that have already entered the world off rug rats always complain of lack of sleep. This i was certain a state one enters after the arrival . Unfortunately for me it’s 5.17 , I have been up since 4 . I have decided to not stir the grumpy hubby any longer and resigned myself to my pity party of one in the bath. Weekend tomorrow… Hurry!

The worst kept secret

When do you tell people.? Who do you tell? I love to talk and often am an open book on all matters, opinionated even when not prompted. Now I am asked to keep silent! Hanse the start of the blog I think. I feel like I am telling someone all the things that I need to release, shame the blog doesn’t talk back.

We have told a few people mind you. I have told my dad, who was the strongest family lobbyist in the matter of pro creation, making for many of awkward conversation I never needed to have. I do adore him and I knew that he would help the feelings of joy overshadow the fear. My mum is still not the know. We haven’t been that close lately, and I worry about all the sensible comments as well lines like “now it’s all over” . My little sister who is coming soon to visit and will surely know something is up as I will sit for an hour on a glass of Pinot. Hubbies brother and wife. They have two kids and they have started to regularly reach out to us since the news. I am now part of some special club I teems, although I am not sure I wanted to apply.
With each new person we tell, I feel guilty about the people that don’t know. My doctors visit is this Friday, this will give me a referral for a scan. Supposedly once we have a heart beat some book said that we can tell more people.
Soon it will be the worst kept secrets, spanning continents and countries.

Fat Vision Goggles

I have never been very slim, like a yo yo I have bounce around from the moment I hit my teen years. Peeking at 85 and dropping to 67 at my best since the age of 18. I also have never been very vain, and no matter what weight never really felt any different and never really realized the wait gain or loss that much. We’ll not until photos. I think stretch clothing has had assisted in this phenomenon. Just before the blue line appeared a couple of months to be exact a couple of things happened to make we want to turn a new leaf and get my self in shape again.

1. A doctors check up which confirmed I was back in the 80s ….I have been avoiding the contraption of the devil since I moved to London, and realized that between weigh ins I changed boxing decisions once again
2. A visit to see the family, in which my grandmother who usually can’t stop feeding me completely backed off and accepted that no thank you is good enough all of a sudden, and my aunty who with less tack actually said..” No need to have cake ..that’s enough darling” followed by a at on my stomach and later references that I could have a starting role in a local show similar to Roseanne. Ouch!

So when I did get back, I decided I should be a bit healthier and more aware of what I put in my body. The evil contraption, the scales, were purchased and awareness set in.

Before the blue line my weight was at 77. Let’s say I wasn’t really focused or do any real diets just once in a while I said no to something, hanse only 3 kg in 2 months.

Since the blue line no weigh in, but my usually rose colored glasses that no matter what weight I am I feel the same are off and replaced with fat goggles. For the first time I find myself pinching my stomach thighs and the flubber that surrounds me .
I see cellulite everywhere. What has happened in the last couple of weeks to make me feel this way? Why am I terrified to weigh myself? The fear of ballooning into an unrecognizable creature , kankles and stretch marks all seem to matter now…..why?

Food is out to get your baby!!

I am a mini glutton, I love all food, my meat is served medium rare and soft cheese is a staple in my house. I enjoy sashimi, wine, ham and soft boiled eggs and until the blue line appeared all of this would be perfectly normal and acceptable in society.  

Now after reading through a verity of advice. I feel like  I should hang my head in shame if I even look in the direction of the above mentioned food evils. What makes things worse is, I am not sure if I am willing to give up on these little pleasures? If I am prepared to believe that a great pice of medium rare eye fillet will hurt my tadpole?

For generations woman have been giving birth to perfect little babies without the guilty looks of others as they dunked their soldier in a soft boiled egg, so why can’t i?